New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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