She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
