I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
