I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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