the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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