somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
