I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
