I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
