The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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