Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
