isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
