Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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