Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize