I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
