hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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