Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
