It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
