So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
