i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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