Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
