I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
