I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
