I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
