You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
