i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My liver just had a heart attack.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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