Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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