I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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