drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
