Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize