I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
