My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
