Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
BRING THE BAGELS
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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