She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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