I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the condom got lost in my hair
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
