I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You are a genius and a whore.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
