We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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