Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
