hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
handjob tips. give me some.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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