i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
ugly people sure do ruin things
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize