No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
