i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
