Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
