i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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