I hate your face
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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