Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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