Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
