OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He kissed a someone with a penis
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
