We're facebook friends in real life
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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