now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we're making bets on your personal life
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think my moral compass just broke
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