hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
