The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
