did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
