I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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