Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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