I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She's the barista slut.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
