He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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