I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize