RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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