My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You ruined the universe
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