I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
