listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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