I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
