I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
