So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
